Life is funny. Live life.

ASK THE OLD GEEZER Episode #2 Advice For And By The Senile

A couple of weeks ago I decided that the senile and mentally challenged were misunderstood and had no one to turn to for advice and to look out for their better interest. Since no one else was stepping up to the plate I volunteered to serve as an advice columnist so these people would have someone to turn to in their hour of need. What are my qualifications you ask? Well I am a freelance writer, (That alone should qualify me). And as it turns out I just might be a little mentally challenged myself, (redundant statement). Who knows? I’ll let you be the judge.

This week’s letter comes from a woman named Carlotta Flatzemill from Opalookalika, Florida who writes:

Dear Geezer,

My husband Wilbur has taken to wearing his pants up around his armpits. This wouldn’t be so bad except that Wilbur bless his heart is rather rotund. In fact you could say that Wilbur’s physique resembles an orange on top of two toothpicks, (about the same color too). Wilbur also has a problem with excessively long hair growing from his ears and nostrils. He’s become so hard to look at Mr. Geezer that it’s just about killed off all the romance in our relationship.

One other thing, yesterday when me and Wilbur went shopping he tripped and fell and liked to never quit rolling. If he’d have been a bowling ball lord knows he would have got a strike. What kind of advice can you give me about the lack of romance, Wilbur’s appearance, and how I can minimize the damage when we go out in public?

Dear Carlotta,

Mr. Flatzemill is doing you a favor by wearing his pants the way he does. You see, when you’re shaped like your dear Wilbur is there just ain’t no way them dungarees are gonna stay up of their own accord. Not a pretty picture. I’d recommend suspenders but that would be like trying to strap pita bread to a cantaloupe with rubber bands.

Here’s one idea: First, close all your curtains. I can’t stress this enough. What I’m about to recommend is for your eyes only. You’re gonna have to trust me on this. Once you’ve double and triple checked to make sure your curtains are indeed closed, allow Wilbur to run around as nekkid as the day he was born, (If company comes you can just cover him with a couple of sheets and tell them you’re remodeling). Second, regarding the romance angle; on starless nights have Wilbur stand on a chair. It’ll be like you’re looking at a full moon, (If you have Wilbur face away from you, You will be). There’s nothing more romantic than gazing at the moon. While you’re sitting there you could be knitting yourself a nice warm afghan from all that extra hair.

As regards Wilbur’s sure footedness, there’s a couple of things you can do. If you want to make a little extra money to help pay for some of the damage incurred you could take bets on his overall score. This would involve familiarizing yourself with Wilbur’s trajectory and velocity habits and estimating accordingly.

The other alternative would be to go down to your local truck stop and purchase yourself a set of industrial size tire chocks. Whenever it looks like Wilbur is starting to tip simply toss the chocks in front of him and get the hell out of the way.

I hope this works out for you and I’m always happy to help out where and when I can