Life, Love & Brett Michaels

[Chris Berry]

You know, I get myself into more trouble just trying to stay out of trouble if you know what I mean. I don’t have to be doing anything for situations to pop up that I don’t believe happen to the rest of the males on the planet. Maybe it’s just the way I perceive things. I don’t know. There’s definitely something amiss. Of that, I have no doubt. I like to think that I am about the only totally normal, rational and sane person I know but for what it’s worth I always seem to find myself in these bizarre situations and as usual, the outcome is almost never pretty. Let me give you a couple of examples…………..

My wife has this friend who used to be a stripper, and to say that the girl has it going on would be like saying Stevie Wonder has to feels his way around in the dark. Now, mind you this is something I would never dare to say aloud in public, even when my wife invariably asks me questions like, “Don’t you think Amber has it going on?” Now my momma might have raised a couple of fools but none of us are that stupid, (Any of you guys who are married know exactly what I’m talking about). I carry around a cheater card with pat answers like “Oh honey, Nobody compares to you”, and other sayings of that nature just in case I find myself tongue tied and can’t come up with a suitable rapid response.

Anyway, the other day my wife and I stopped off to pay ‘Amber’ a visit. We rang the buzzer and after a few minutes ‘Amber’ greeted us at the front door wearing the cutest, tiniest, little, itsy bitsy thong bikini that looked like something you use to sling rocks at birds with. The first thing out of her mouth was that she had been doing her housework naked and when the doorbell rang, she had to hurry and get dressed to answer the door. Not that she was modest mind you; she just did not want to make her guests uncomfortable. Well, I can appreciate that and for some reason her statement made me start thinking about things like oh, changing the transmission oil in my truck. Something like that, honest.

About halfway through the visit my wife and ‘Amber’ started rearranging the furniture and hanging pictures etc. ‘Amber’ brought out a step ladder and proceeded to climb halfway up it while leaning precariously to one side trying to hang one picture in that perfect hard to reach spot. Well all sorts of things were hanging out and I think my wife was worried that something was going to fall and hit the floor, (Like my tongue, my eyeballs, ‘Amber’s fine booty, the other shoe etc). At any rate, my wife somehow managed to get my attention long enough to tell me to go over and stabilize the ladder so ‘Amber’ would not fall while she finished her business. Being the chivalrous gentleman that I am, I readily complied and folks, I’ve just got to say I don’t believe I’ve ever been that close to anything that looked that nice, and right there at eye level too.

Of course, the whole time I was standing there ‘Amber’ was telling us about how comfortable she was with her body and that she would love to be a full time nudist. I did not really hear much of the rest of her conversation as I was busy mentally undressing, I mean changing the oil in my truck. I think I was also mentally mowing the hay hay, I mean the grass. You know, something like that. Pretty soon ‘Amber’ finished what she was doing and turned around to face me. Being the gentleman that I am I did my best not to look. I tried to keep my mind on other things like daydreaming I was a submarine commander and was just about to run up the periscope to see if there were any enemy ships about. That’s right, something like that. About that time my wife said “Honey, grab her by the waist and help her down so she doesn’t fall.” Of course, after the harp music died down I think I answered her with something really intelligent like “Whuh???” I do not remember exactly. It was all a fog and I think I was still on that submarine or something like that.

I helped the young lady down and she turned and gave me a big hug and kiss and said “Thank you, you’re a sweetheart”. Then my wife came up to me and she too gave me a big hug and kiss and said something like “That was so sweet of you to help her out”. Well, now I had a double dilemma. I was still trying to focus on commanding the submarine without anyone discovering that the periscope was stuck in the up mode if you catch my drift. I was eventually able to remedy the situation by thinking about how much my wife was beginning to look like my mother in law, (Sorry, but it was the only thing that seemed to work).

We left there and went home. I naturally was feeling a little frisky towards the missus but she was not having any of it. She wanted to watch “Brett Michael’s Rock of Love 2”, (or the Ho Show as I like to call it), on the TV. For those of you who have not seen this show, Brett Michaels is the lead singer of the heavy metal band POISON and according to him; he is looking for true love. On the show, Brett has a couple dozen women that he romances and beds while supposedly searching for the one woman of his dreams. This show is now in its second season, which equates to roughly 48 girls he’s gone through thus far. I am thinking that Brett has come up with a novel way to continually get himself laid and I am pissed that this kind of thing goes on. I’m also pissed that I didn’t think of the idea before I went and got married. I might have to retract that earlier statement about being stupid. One of the things about this show is that although the women are halfway decent looking, for the most part they’re pretty dumb as well as skanky in their morals and to be honest, I still can’t figure out who’s the biggest slut, Brett or the girls.

In the episode that my wife and I were watching Brett had taken the women to a roller derby rink where he had them compete against professional roller derby skaters while pushing a stroller carrying a life size child doll that was dressed like Brett. The idea was to see how fiercely the women would fight to protect Brett’s progeny if they were to have children. While we were watching this, my wife and I got into a discussion about having children. We’re both middle aged and we’ve both already had and raised children so neither one of us is really anxious to tackle that can of worms again although the subject does occasionally rear it’s ugly head. I must admit that I do like the breeding part of the equation though.

We talked about that for a while and then somehow the discussion evolved onto the subject of having sex while pregnant. I told my wife that I had never had sex with a pregnant woman and had never wanted to. She asked me if it was because I was worried about hurting the baby. I told her no, that wasn’t it. In fact, I was more worried about intruding on the baby’s personal space. I tried to put myself in the baby’s place, (no pun intended), I had this vision in my head of me floating around in this sort of amniotic space capsule when all of a sudden lights started flashing and claxons started sounding the intruder alert alarm.

I could see myself going “What the hell is that? That is gross! What is that white stuff it’s spitting at me? Ewww! Now my windshield is screwed up!”, and stuff like that. I also have a phobia about having sex when the dog is in the room, let alone another human being so I’d be getting embarrassed every time the baby would kick. I could just visualize him kicking and saying “Hey cut that out”! The other thing is I’d be worried about getting two holes in one, if you know what I mean, or poking the kid in the eye or something like that, (which I’m sure would be a traumatic experience for all three of us. Anyway, as you can probably tell, for me sex with pregnant women is pretty much out of the question. If my wife reads the part about ‘Amber’, I can probably count on giving up sex with her too.

After a while the conversation changed again and this time the topic turned to whom I thought would make the perfect mate for Brett. I thought about this for a while and I think I’ve found somebody. She is rich, she can dance, is a rock star, loves children, is world traveled and has spent a lot of time working on becoming the perfect woman. So Brett if you are reading this I have done all your work for you. I’ve got a picture of her for you. Here she is:

[Chris Berry]

I asked her if she'd do it with someone else for $500K and she said she didn't know where to get her hands on that kind of money. Now what do I do?

[jcorn]

You tell her that someone offered $500K if the three of you would do it. Then you tell her the truth afterwards and take your chances. That might work. I myself would never do such a thing but that is how you could bring up the subject and not get scalped. I think.

[Chris Berry]

E, tsk tsk tsk, shame on you that you would even suggest such a thing. Why the mere thought would never cross my mind. A three way? What a repugnant concept. Wait a minute. Cool, the old lady's not looking over my shoulder any more. Hmmmm. How to go about bringing the subject up without getting scalped? Hmmmm.

[EMohrman]

What, you & the wife don't bring in a third once in a while? Amber sounds perfect for so many reasons. You must really be doing something wrong.

[Kelly]

LOL you had my attention through the whole thing. It was a fun read.